Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower

“Cosmo, the Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower”- Les Barker
A Cardi and Bloke ©Mrs Ackroyd, 1995

“Roll up Roll up,” cried the Ringmaster.
“See the man on the flying trapeze!
The one we’ve just fitted with elastic!
That’s him over there in the trees.”

“Where’s Cosmo? The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower?”
The girl with the baby said.
Her name was Lucille.
They knew Cosmo had known her
Because she still had a knife in her head.

“He’s back there in the procession,” said the Ringmaster,
Pointing to an old, half-timbered Morris.
It’s Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower,
And his lovely assistant, Doris.

Lucille stormed up to him in anger,
Gave him the baby; he didn’t resist.
Shamed by the memory of the night she conceived.
He’d aimed for her sister and missed.

Little did she know that the child Cosmo gained
On that morning’s Morris traveler ride
Would become the world famous stunt man:
“Evil Shmevil:” and his Yamasheta 1-2-5.

He grew up a child of the circus,
Rode the big dipper, the Dodgems, the Ghost Train,
With Cosmo, the Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower,
And his lovely assistant, Elaine.

Once upon a time, they kept marine mammals,
But everyone was agin’ it.
And now the pool stands empty-
There isn’t any “porpoise” in it.

Evil set the animals free,
‘Cause that’s what he knew they would wish.
You can’t keep animals in cages these days,
And it never worked out well with the fish.

And soon he was a star of the circus,
And the Morris traveler still traveling on.
With Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower
And his lovely assistant, Yvonne.

Poor Cosmo was on the decline,
He was hitting the Boddington’s loopy juice,
And in one afternoon hit two lovely assistants,
Four passersby, and a migrating Canada goose.

But his circus was making a fortune,
And the audiences willingly paid it,
To see Evil leap over 36 national front members
And cheer when he never quite made it

And before he would get out of the ring
The next act would kill two or three.
It was Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower,
And his lovely assistant, Loraine.

And the climax of Evil’s career was
Announced with fanfare and fuss,
He’d leap over 42 motor bikes in
A corporation double-decker bus.

It was on the 1-8-9 to Stockport
That Evil set out after his dream.
Drove at 75 miles an hour down Wellington Rd. North
Towards the “Little Sisters of the Poor Formation” motorbike team.

Some say the big lady on the back seat stood up.
But they found a puncture in the front wheel,
And a knife inscribed: “To Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower-
From his lovely assistant, Lucille.”