Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower

“Cosmo, the Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower”- Les Barker
A Cardi and Bloke ©Mrs Ackroyd, 1995

“Roll up Roll up,” cried the Ringmaster.
“See the man on the flying trapeze!
The one we’ve just fitted with elastic!
That’s him over there in the trees.”

“Where’s Cosmo? The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower?”
The girl with the baby said.
Her name was Lucille.
They knew Cosmo had known her
Because she still had a knife in her head.

“He’s back there in the procession,” said the Ringmaster,
Pointing to an old, half-timbered Morris.
It’s Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower,
And his lovely assistant, Doris.

Lucille stormed up to him in anger,
Gave him the baby; he didn’t resist.
Shamed by the memory of the night she conceived.
He’d aimed for her sister and missed.

Little did she know that the child Cosmo gained
On that morning’s Morris traveler ride
Would become the world famous stunt man:
“Evil Shmevil:” and his Yamasheta 1-2-5.

He grew up a child of the circus,
Rode the big dipper, the Dodgems, the Ghost Train,
With Cosmo, the Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower,
And his lovely assistant, Elaine.

Once upon a time, they kept marine mammals,
But everyone was agin’ it.
And now the pool stands empty-
There isn’t any “porpoise” in it.

Evil set the animals free,
‘Cause that’s what he knew they would wish.
You can’t keep animals in cages these days,
And it never worked out well with the fish.

And soon he was a star of the circus,
And the Morris traveler still traveling on.
With Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower
And his lovely assistant, Yvonne.

Poor Cosmo was on the decline,
He was hitting the Boddington’s loopy juice,
And in one afternoon hit two lovely assistants,
Four passersby, and a migrating Canada goose.

But his circus was making a fortune,
And the audiences willingly paid it,
To see Evil leap over 36 national front members
And cheer when he never quite made it

And before he would get out of the ring
The next act would kill two or three.
It was Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower,
And his lovely assistant, Loraine.

And the climax of Evil’s career was
Announced with fanfare and fuss,
He’d leap over 42 motor bikes in
A corporation double-decker bus.

It was on the 1-8-9 to Stockport
That Evil set out after his dream.
Drove at 75 miles an hour down Wellington Rd. North
Towards the “Little Sisters of the Poor Formation” motorbike team.

Some say the big lady on the back seat stood up.
But they found a puncture in the front wheel,
And a knife inscribed: “To Cosmo, The Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower-
From his lovely assistant, Lucille.”

Cosmo, Prince of Denmark

(The Sequel to "Cosmo, the Fairly Accurate Knife Thrower")

"Cosmo, Prince of Denmark"- Les Barker
A Cardi and Bloke ©Mrs Ackroyd, 1995

The guard, high on the battlements
Of royal Elsinore
Saw the ghost of one departed,
The king of days before;
A knife deep in his chest,
His face with pain was wracked;
"This dagger was my son's," he cried;
"I was helping him with his act."

Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
Hamlet's younger brother,
Killed Rosencrantz and Guildenstern,
His uncle and his mother.
It was the evil, cunning Claudius
Who ended the old king's life
When he said to little Cosmo,
"Merry Christmas! Here's a knife."

Cosmo tried out slings and arrows,
And Hamlet bore the scars
Before he made an outrageous fortune
Out of his cigars.
Cosmo, Prince of Denmark,
With practiced flick of practiced wrist,
Took arms against the sea of troubles
. . . And missed.

It was curtains for Polonius;
He came crashing to the ground
With a knife straight through the arras-
Serves him right for turning ‘round.
Cosmo killed Laertes' father
But his sister went to ground;
She jumped into the river
And he missed her but she drowned.

Then they stood beside the grave,
Horatio and the kid;
"Alas, poor Yorick! I knew him, Horatio."
"Yes, he looks as if you did."
And there are characters in other plays
That Cosmo did to death.
Remember poor King Duncan?
Bet you thought it was Macbeth.
It was Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
He got out his knife and fork
And sliced up Francis Bacon
And half the House of York.

Cosmo, Prince of Denmark;
Not the best of men at darts;
The reason English kings
Often come in several parts.
Again in Julius Caesar,
Don't heed his dying call;
Although he said "Et tu Brute?"
It wasn't him at all.

It was Cosmo,
Practicing at home.
He’d aimed at Copenhagen
But the knife came down in Rome.
It was Cosmo, Prince of Denmark
Who sent him to the grave
,And the Latin "Et tu Brute?"
Just means "Where's me aftershave?"

Oberon, Titania;
They all went for the chop;
It was unfortunate for Bottom;
Cosmo went for double top.
"But soft! What knife through yonder window breaks?"
Poor Juliet, cried, intense.
"Wherefore art thou, Romeo?"
"I'm impaled against this fence!"

All around the stage were bodies,
Survivors there were rarities.
As they counted up the corpses:
One hundred and Laertes.
Cosmo looked at all the carnage,
Remorseful for the dead.
He attempted suicide
And killed King Richard's horse instead.

And in a land beyond Tintagel
Lies a lake shrouded in mists,
Where a hand holds up a sword,
And a voice cries ". . . Who threw this?"

Déjà Vu

Déjà Vu- Les Barker
A Cardi and Bloke- © Mrs Ackroyd, 1995

“Déjà Vu:” A Rhyme.
It is impossible to experience
déjà vu for the first time.
I reckon, the first time déjà vu happens,
is the second.

“Déjà Vu:” A Rhyme.
It is impossible to experience
déjà vu for the first time.
I reckon, the first time déjà vu happens,
is the second.

I started with verse two.
Verse one will stay and listen,
because the first time you say "déjà vu,"
it isn't.

But then again, to get a little more immersed,
you can't experience déjà vu twice,
because you didn't experience it first.
It's a recap.

“Déjà Vu:” A Rhyme.
I know what you're thinking,
this is not the first time.

Three times and still it isn't true.
How do you qualify?
What do you have to do?

How do you climb this mountain?
Or you may think it just a hillock.
You may think this man is a philosopher.
All together, you may think this man is a pillock.

I've been called a pillock before,
strange but true.
When I hear the word "pillock,"to me,
its déjà vu. A rhyme.

It is impossible to experience
déjà vu for the first time.
I reckon, the first time déjà vu happens,
is the second.

Then again, and this is interesting,
there are those who say déjà vu is
a once in a lifetime thing.
Then they say it again.

And at the risk of being a bore,
if you go back to the first time
déjà vu happened, you'll think,
"That's happened before!"

We should explore the supernatural,
put knowledge in place of mere feeling.
And in the university as a chair for the paranormal,
you can't get it down off the ceiling.

Too many gaps in our understanding.
Is time travel a thing of the past?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
How long does this poem last?
Are black pool hallucinations real?

But to return us to an old friend,
“Déjà Vu:” The End.